my boss said I’m being annoying, new executive director is alienating everyone, and more
It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. My boss told me I’m being annoying
I’m in my mid-20s and work in a pretty casual office. We provide customer support for ticket buyers. I was promoted to membership/subscription package supervisor about six months ago. My boss oscillates between praising my attention to detail and criticizing me for second-guessing her.
Yesterday I spoke up in a meeting with her and two other employees to give more detail on something. Her tone shifted and she said that I was being really annoying that day, but I brushed it off at the time.
The next day, when I went to ask her a clarifying question about a credit card dispute, she said that I’ve “been really annoying lately” and she’s very frustrated and doesn’t know how to work with me. She elaborated and said that I’m constantly questioning what she says.
My feelings are hurt and now I feel like I need to walk on eggshells when I’m just trying do my job well. I don’t know what I can do differently to be less annoying to her. What should I do?
“You’re being annoying” is ridiculous feedback. She shouldn’t be making feedback personal that way or characterizing it terms of her emotional reaction. It’s legitimate to explain that you’re pushing back on decisions too frequently or derailing meetings with excessive context or to ask you to hold questions for one-on-one meetings or so forth. It’s not okay to tell you that you’re being “annoying.”
But as for what to do from here, if you depersonalize the feedback and just look at the “constantly questioning what she says” comment, does that change anything for you? Do you think you do second-guess or question her a lot, and could it be coming across as trying to argue with or undermine her decisions?
But if you can’t figure out where she’s coming from, go back to her and say, “I’ve thought a lot about your feedback that I’m coming across like I’m second-guessing you and I’m hoping you can help me figure out what to do differently. I don’t want to ignore the feedback, so I’m hoping you can help me understand where I’m getting it wrong.” (To be clear, this is a more deferential approach than you should have to take — her feedback to you was rude! — but it’s likely the most politically expedient.)
2. I’m panicking at the thought of going back to the office
I started working at my current job in the office full-time in 2019. When Covid began, our firm went hybrid. Sometime in early 2021, after vaccines became available, I went back into the office on a hybrid basis. In late 2023, my firm allowed me to go remote full-time to relocate permanently away from an office location and care for my dad, who was terminally ill, and my grandmother, who was in her 90s. The remote work and flexibility my firm offered was important as long as my grandmother was alive and needed care, but she passed earlier this year and I thought I would be ready to look at hybrid roles where I am currently living. I love my firm and my work, but I am just having a hard time being entrepreneurial and organized enough to advance, and I think I would be more successful internally as I have been previously.
I got offered a pretty amazing role this week — more money, better title, wfh two days a week, amazing org and mission, not a terrible commute — but I feel like they did a bit of a bait and switch by not telling me until I got the offer that I would have to be in the office full-time for the first 90 days before I could take advantage of the two days a week remote work. It triggered a panic attack in me I was not expecting. I don’t feel I have a ton of opportunity for advancement where I am and I think I might be more successful in an office environment, but I also don’t know how to give up the flexibility of remote work. My husband’s career is pretty demanding, so even though we don’t have kids I am exclusively responsible for our dog and all household things. He was initially opposed to me taking a job that is not WFH but later we had better talks about it and he is more supportive. I have literally cried and vomited from anxiety in the last 12 hours at the thought of accepting this job, even though it is largely what I prayed for. I am not generally a person who leans into regret very much or worries about the road not taken, but am I crazy to turn down this offer?
Only you can weigh how much of a difference an additional two in-office days a week for three months will be. But personally, if I’d been prepared to work from the office three days a week, I’d be willing to do it for five for 90 days, in order to make a professional move I felt was right. If you hadn’t been prepared for any in-office work, or even just for one on-site day per week, I could see feeling like this is very different than you’d anticipated and not something that fits your needs … but when you were already ready to go in three days anyway, your reaction to it does seem more intense than warranted. (Caveats: that assumes that you believe them that it will change in 90 days and that won’t be a bait and switch. That part is worth getting in writing if you can … although even then you should be aware that they could change it at any time, and some companies have made previously hybrid people return on-site full-time. But that’s going to be a risk with any hybrid job, and even with a lot of fully remote ones.)
I do wonder if something more is going on, though, because your reaction is a strong one! If it’s line with how you’ve responded to other things you’ve felt anxious about, maybe it’s not as significant as it sounds here … but crying and vomiting is pretty intense! I would try to sort through exactly what’s behind it: is it something about this job in particular? Is it tension with your husband about the decision? Is it a specific logistic, like that you have care lined up for your dog three days a week but no plan for the other two? Is it just change? I think it’ll help to hone in on exactly what is eating at you.
3. How can I make our new executive director understand that they’re alienating everyone?
I’ve been part of an international nonprofit for the last five years. I love this group and what it stands for: neighbors helping neighbors, no judgment, empathy, kindness. I’ve been on the leadership team, and while things are often scrappy (lots of unpaid volunteer work), I’ve been okay with that — it’s part of being a young nonprofit.
Here’s the problem: we have a newer executive director, and I’ve completely lost confidence in their leadership. They’ve told us openly that they have ADHD and don’t like following processes, but the result is that they make sweeping organizational changes without input or transparency. When we’ve asked questions, the response is usually about how hurt they are that we don’t “trust” them, but at the same time they say we don’t deserve to know how decisions are made. It feels like we’re supposed to accept their personal feelings as the only justification.
I’m struggling to explain why this is different from a workplace where, yes, sometimes you don’t get to know all the details. To me, this is about a lack of discovery, curiosity, and empathy — plus no communication to the rest of us. One example: we have two-hour meetings scheduled right in the middle of dinner/bedtime on a Tuesday night. They refuse to record them (“you should be invested, it’s only once a month”) but if you can’t attend, you get put on a list of volunteers at risk of being cut.
Many of us long-timers are ready to walk away. I’ve already documented my “last straw” lines and I’ll resign if things don’t improve soon. But I really believe in the mission and want to give it one last shot.
How can I frame feedback in a way that might get through to a leader who doesn’t seem open to it? Is there a way to say, “Your lack of transparency and empathy is driving away the very people you need” without it coming off as an attack? Or is it time to accept that I can’t change this dynamic, and my best move is to leave before I burn out completely?
Talk to the board, not the executive director. The board is the executive director’s boss, and they need to hear that the ED is alienating people, threatening to cut volunteers who can’t make two-hour weeknight meetings and being dismissive when they explain why they can’t attend, and that multiple people are close to leaving. Since the director is new, you’re less likely to run into the issue of the board being stacked with loyalists who the ED personally recruited (which frequently can be a problem with approaching nonprofit boards about problems with an ED).
4. Is it the right time to leave my job?
How do you know when it’s the right time to leave a job?
I’ve been with my company for quite a while and there are a lot of positives: the work is often engaging, the pay is solid, and I care about the mission. At the same time, I’m frustrated. The organization changes direction often, my reporting line changes each year, and there is often negative press about our company.
On top of that, my role hasn’t evolved the way I’d hoped. I have a leadership title but very limited management responsibilities, and I’m left out of important decisions. I’d like to grow as a manager, but instead of giving me that opportunity, the company seems more interested in adding extra layers of hierarchy above me. That makes me feel like I’m moving backwards rather than forward.
I’m trying to decide whether to keep pushing through in hopes things will improve, or to take this as a sign that it’s time to look elsewhere. How should I think about this decision?
Whenever you’re wondering about this, it always makes sense to look around and get some real options in play so that you’re not comparing your current job to some amorphous, hypothetical job, but instead can compare it to specific jobs. Maybe you won’t find anything that you like enough to be willing to leave for. Maybe you’ll find something that makes the decision to leave an obvious one. But it’ll be much easier to figure out once you’ve interviewed and have something real and specific to weigh against the advantages (and disadvantages) of your current job.
5. Demoted, then laid off while on maternity leave
I recently went on maternity leave, and four days before I was due to come back to work, I was told I’ve been demoted to part-time (I was full-time), and I’m also getting laid off at the end of the year. I was asked halfway through my leave if I was planning to come back full-time (I was).
There are two other pregnant people in the company who are set to go on leave soon. I was told that they were also being asked if they are coming back full- or part-time, but I don’t know if they were. Can I warn them what could potentially happen, or would this create more problems? There is a lot of dysfunction primarily from the owner of the company, and no competent HR. There are 16 employees, in total.
You should tell them what happened to you. I don’t know the best way for them to act on the info (for example, it doesn’t make sense for them to say they’re planning to come back part-time if in fact they prefer to come back full-time) but at a minimum they should be aware of what happened to you so they can factor it into to their thinking. More shared info is better than less.
It’s also worth noting that the Pregnancy Discrimination Act applies to all employers with 15 or more employees, so your company is covered. That law doesn’t make it illegal to lay off workers who happen to be pregnant, but it does make it illegal to factor their pregnancy/parental leave into the decision — so if everyone who’s getting laid off happens to be recently pregnant (or has recently taken FMLA, etc.), that’s potentially relevant to you all.
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